Maybe I Should Wish on a Star..

I think the title says it all. Maybe I should wish upon a star to take me there, where my heart wants to be. It seems wrong and everybody knows it only happens in fairy tales. But what else can this desperate and tired heart of mine do? My heart's eyes are swollen 'cuz it cried too much already. Not only that, the eyes on my face are red and swollen 'cuz I had to cry myself to sleep last night.

At this point, maybe I'll try to wish on a star. Who knows if it is willing to help me. Nothing will harm me from doing that anyway. Maybe the star would be kind enough to deliver my message to him. A message from my heart to his.

Nobody out there would listen patiently to me, so I'm hoping the star would be patient enough to listen to what I have to say.

I miss the summer where my friends and I would drive to the beach on the weekends and stayed there until all the stars came out. It would get really quiet out there. Everybody would've left the beach because it was supposed to close at 11 pm. All I heard was the voices of my closest friends laughing around, joking around, sharing stories, playing truth or dare. When we were all quiet, I secretly watched at the stars and said my wishes. Well, part of my wishes came true last Sunday. The other part is still coming, I hope.

My dad and I fought last night and I think that the timing was just off, way off. I wish we could've had that fight some other time, but I guess not. Now I just want to be alone, away from him. He crushed my heart that was already broken into pieces, and now into millions and millions of pieces. My heart was really fragile last night. Every little things made me cry, even things that should've been heart-warming.

Anyway, anybody wants to accompany me to the beach at night so I can tell the stars my wishes?

Did I Make a Mistake?

Did I make a mistake when I chose to live at home and drive for an hour everyday to school? Did I make a mistake when I decided to stay close to my family and have them right beside me all the time? Because it seemed to me that when I'm far away from the people I love, then nobody will get hurt. I will never hurt them and they will never hurt me... *sigh*

Did I make a mistake when I let him have my heart? Did I make a mistakes when I chose to loosen up all my gears and follow him? Did I make a mistake when I chose to let my heart fall for him? Because it had been the biggest distraction in my life and my heart had been torned into pieces a million times...

Did I make a mistake when I do this? Did I make a mistake when I decided to do that? Did I make a mistake when I chose to be like this, and be like that? Is my life full of mistakes?

When would I learn to not make mistakes? When would I learn to learn from my mistakes?

*sigh*

It Isn't the End of the World!

I am having such a bad day. I woke up late this morning and decided to skip my first class AGAIN! This is the second time I missed a class since school started. I did not know what to do though because I slept so late last night. I couldn't just sleep for 4 hours and drive for 1 hour to school and stay there for another 14 hours then drive for another 1 hour back home. I cannot drive on the highway if I don't have enough good night sleep.

I feel like I have so much pressures going on in my life. The pressure to please God, to please my parents, to please my brothers, to please my friends, to please myself, to get scholarships, and the list goes on. I am just a person and there is no way for me to please everyone including myself.

My parents expect so much from me that sometimes I feel like they don't care about how much work I have, how tired I am and even worse, how I feel. It seems like they want me to do everything. To do good in school, take care of everything at church, do all chores at home. I cannot do all those things. I wish I had more than 24 hours in a day so I can please everyone, but it will just not happen that way.

I know that sometimes they see me slack around the house. But I also need a break. I can't just drone on doing work work and work all day long. Sometimes I feel like I needed to hide from them to take a break so that I will not upset them for seeing me not doing anything. On the other hand, I also feel guilty because I do not want to see them upset. I want to keep them happy all the time. But how can I do that with such limited time I have in my life right now.

Anyway, when I woke up this morning, the first thing that came up to my mind was that I have to cancel my road-test appointment because I am just not ready. Then, I was hit by the red bolded words that said, "Effective Monday, September 26, 2005, road test appointments must be cancelled at least 48 hours before the scheduled date and time of test; otherwise you will be charged a late cancellation fee of $25.00. " I had the longest sigh after that because it used to be 24 hours in advanced! Now what am I going to do? I am not ready for the test, I have two quizzes this week, two assignments also due this week, another two quizzes next week, one assignment and a midterm! I am going crazy!!!

I'm having such a bad day. I spend double the time that I used to spend to study now because half of the time my mind travels somewhere else. But it's okay, because I have decided that my life goes on with or without him! :'( I have a major goal that I've set for myself for this year and I am letting that slide. It's a tough choice, but with me life is never fair! Maybe we will get to meet again in the future, perhaps when we are both out of school, and when God finally opens the way for us. :'( Yes, please do not mind if you see me cry a river!

It's okay, I will be okay in a couple of days. I hope things will go back to normal for me. When bad things happen in your life, and when you feel really upset, remember that it isn't the end of the world.

Don't Know How to Describe...

Have ever felt so happy the day before, the night before, the seconds before you fell asleep, and then you just felt so terrible, so down, so not in the mood right when you opened your eyes the next morning?

That is how bad and how awkward I feel right now. I don't feel like doing anything, not even eating my breakfast nor lunch. I have two quizzes, two assignments and a road test for my G license, but I am just not in the mood to study or practice or doing anything at all!

It seems like my heart and my mind is somewhere else. I don't know any other words or expressions to describe it better.

If you have ever had this type of syndrome, please tell me know about it!